don't try this at home

as someone who picked up his current boyfriend on the Q train, i present the following as an example of what NOT to do.

inside a mostly empty car on the uptown A train, pulling into 42nd street, i sit admiring an outdoorsy, athletic guy sporting incredibly dorky, maroon plastic-framed glasses (very hot).  he carries with him a large backpack, the kind used for camping trips, and holds a smaller camouflage knapsack in his lap.  his outfit is made up of leisurely l.l. bean-esque hiking apparel.

the car doors open, and a pale, slightly doughy east-village punk rocker type, wearing a grey wool ski cap, dark jeans, black leather jacket and matching boots, enters and sits opposite the Hot Hunky Jock (HHJ).  the doors close, and the East Village Punk (EVP) takes out and begins to read a science-fiction magazine.  as the train leaves the station, HHJ looks around and sits up when he notices the cover of EVP's magazine.

i bear witness to the following conversation.  (some liberties taken).

HHJ:  excuse me. 

EVP:  (looking up from reading)  hm?

HHJ:  (points to magazine cover)  that's the new battlestar galactica, right?

EVP:  oh!  yeah.  right.

HHJ:  they're showing it this week?

EVP:  uh huh.  tonight, actually.

HHJ:  aw, man!  i'm going out of town for a week and i'm gonna miss it.

EVP:  well, it's the sci-fi channel, so i'm sure they'll play it again.  they'll probably release it on dvd, eventually.

HHJ:  you think so?

EVP:  oh, sure.

at this point, EVP takes off his ski cap to reveal close-cropped hair dyed neon-orange, prompting me to think, "oh my god, he is SO gay!"

EVP:  were you a fan of the original series?

HHJ:  um, no, not really.  it was before my time, i think.

EVP:  really?  how old are you?

HHJ:  twenty-six.

EVP:  oh. ...well, i'm a good ten years older than you.

HHJ:  you were a big fan?

EVP:  yeah, huge.  i had the action-figures, the lunchbox, everything.

HHJ:  do you think this one will be any good?

EVP:  it looks great from what i've seen.  the die-hard fans don't like it because they just want it to be exactly the way it was.

HHJ:  so the new one is, like, totally different?

EVP:  well, they kept some of the elements from the original show.  glen larson, the guy who created the whole thing, is also involved in this one.

HHJ:  like, hands-on...?

EVP:  well...he's working with the producers or something.

this would be a good place for EVP to let HHJ go on his merry way.  alternatively, the appropriately forward move would be to inquire whether or not HHJ has anyone to tape the show for him and, if not, to offer to do so.  however...

EVP:  so, you said you were on your way to canada?

HHJ:  uh...no.

eek.

HHJ:  western europe.  for seven days.

EVP:  oh.  business or pleasure?

HHJ:  uh...both, i guess.  (pause)  not marine corps related.

HHJ smiles awkwardly.  EVP stares blankly, not getting it.  HHJ then raises the camouflage backpack from his lap.

EVP:  oh.  ...well, i could tape it for you, if you want, and give it to you when you get back.  do you want my number?

HHJ:  no, that's okay.

d'oh!

EVP:  i mean, since you're going out of the country and everything.

HHJ:  i'll just catch it some other time.  thanks, though.

again, another good point at which EVP could have said, "all right, well, have fun in europe!" or something and bowed out gracefully.  instead...

EVP:  well, you definitely don't want to miss it.  the cylons in this one are...

a high-pitched screech from the wheels of the train drowns out all other sound as we make our final turn into columbus circle station, my stop.  as i exit, i turn once more to admire HHJ and see that EVP has moved across the aisle and planted himself right next to his new friend.  i tune in to hear...

EVP:  ...hope you don't mind, i didn't think you could hear me over the noise.

i take my leave before the inevitable carnage and heartbreak.

moral of the story:  don't fool yourself when a handsome stranger chats you up in a public place about battlestar galactica.  a hot geek is still a geek, and, chances are, he's really interested in the show, not you.

Posted by jason at December 8, 2003 03:00 PM